My work ethic has been declining for some time. I have many projects with many deadlines that I could not care less about. I've never missed a deadline before and most likely won't even now, but as I procrastinate each hour, each day, I could come dangerously close to upsetting a lot of folks. There is no motivation, no drive, no urgency anymore. As I type this I should actually be addressing many projects but I cannot bring myself to even think about them let alone immerse myself into them. What I do for a living really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme. Yes, it's essential to have a career to keep a home, family and responsibilities propped up and I'm completely aware of the importance which is why I slave to the daily rituals. At the same time, I've died inside and really don't know how much longer I can play this role. There's no one to blame but myself. I painted myself into this corner with apathy, lack of initiative, self pity and a buffet table of synonyms — just pick one. I cannot lose this job. It would be the final nail in the coffin especially in this economy and at my age. I'm lucky I have what I have but I fear I'll piss it all away.
Painted Into A Corner
My work ethic has been declining for some time. I have many projects with many deadlines that I could not care less about. I've never missed a deadline before and most likely won't even now, but as I procrastinate each hour, each day, I could come dangerously close to upsetting a lot of folks. There is no motivation, no drive, no urgency anymore. As I type this I should actually be addressing many projects but I cannot bring myself to even think about them let alone immerse myself into them. What I do for a living really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme. Yes, it's essential to have a career to keep a home, family and responsibilities propped up and I'm completely aware of the importance which is why I slave to the daily rituals. At the same time, I've died inside and really don't know how much longer I can play this role. There's no one to blame but myself. I painted myself into this corner with apathy, lack of initiative, self pity and a buffet table of synonyms — just pick one. I cannot lose this job. It would be the final nail in the coffin especially in this economy and at my age. I'm lucky I have what I have but I fear I'll piss it all away.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I have no helpful advice to offer (which considering the crap I'm in is lucky for you) just support.
ReplyDeleteI admire the way you accept the responsibility for where you are. However is blame the right word? You didn't choose to be here. You just know it's down to you to get out of it. Isn't that the beginings of a plan ?
I truly wish there was a plan. On the contrary I've never been so "planless."
ReplyDeleteSo you have a clean sheet. I don't want to be someone who just shows concern and wishes you well. I know a little about how you feel. The sheer hopelessness and despair of it all. How I'd like to sleep forever and not face up to it on my own. Life won't let me. Maybe it knows I/you do have the inner strength to beat it.
ReplyDeleteYou put your thoughts down well. So you strike me as a smart guy. You know giving in/up isn't an option.
Having just lost a friend to suicide, I now know first-hand what it does to those left behind. As much as I would love to go to sleep and never wake up again, I cannot give up for the sake of my family. You're exactly right. I really appreciate your comments and am glad to know that at least someone out there is reading.
ReplyDeleteI read this post just after you posted it. I sensed that you were getting much closer to the end of your rope (no pun intended). I wanted to say something that would have a profound effect, but I couldn't think of anything. This isn't profound, but I was reading some of your earlier posts and I just came across something that you wrote and it seems appropriate:
ReplyDelete"When I hear of other folks' misfortunes and suffering, all I want to do is help but I know I can't. The only thing I can do that may help a bit or not at all, is to assure you that you're not alone even though we both feel we are."
I've only read your posts through June of 2010, so I don't know you well enough to suggest anything. Although, after what I have read, I do suspect that you're chemically sensitive and that adds insult to injury.
I came across your blog in April of this year and quite by accident. I was at a low point (a place I find myself in once or twice a year) and I Google'd something which resulted in your blog appearing. I was looking for someone else who might understand and appreciate what I sometimes go through; someone who might "get it". I have browsed quite a few blogs in the last few years and yours is the only blog that has kept my attention. I check your blog every day looking for a new entry and have come to realize that you post about once a month, but you have been off kilter lately which I ascribe to you losing your friend to suicide. I can tell you that I have not felt this helpless in regard to someone else in a long time. In 2008, I also lost a friend to suicide. I have another friend who runs into trouble once every year or two. I don't know you, but I feel a connection simply because I understand your pain and what you go through. I continue to be amazed by what you handle every day ... a wife, children, and a job/career. I'm convinced you could probably walk on fire-hot coals without flinching.
At the moment, I'm going to let your words speak for me. While all life is sacred, not all life is easy. In 2009, when I was in a partial day hospitalization program at the VA, they used phrases like "put one foot in front of the other" or "fake it 'til you make it". At the time, I would roll my eyes and abhor those words. I have
since learned that they speak more truth about our illness (or most illnesses) than anyone is willing to admit. When something is found that helps reduce the impact of the illness, those words have less meaning; however, when nothing can be found or when the remedy stops working, you are left alone to "put one foot in front of the other" until something else can be found or until you get to the finish line.
The thing is ... you don't have to do that alone. You can choose to, but know that that is not your fate.
Rob
Rob,
ReplyDeleteThe few responses you've left on my blog have been very powerful and very special for lack of a better term. You're correct in that I don't post as much as I used to partly because not much has happened to report and partly because I'm reaching some sort of tipping point although I have no idea what that means. When my friend took his own life he took a big chunk of hope from me as well. We were both fighting similar battles with similar demons so I thought of us as comrades in foxholes together. I know he would never have intentionally hurt me but he reached his tipping point and I became collateral damage. Such is war.
It does mean a lot to me that you hold this blog in such high regard. Whenever I post, I feel like I'm in a little row boat in a vast, empty ocean. Nobody's around for miles. Nobody reads it. Glad to know there's at least one other row boat on the horizon. If this blog has been helpful to you then it's served a great purpose. One that I really didn't intend at its inception. I just needed to write things down.
Rob, I haven't given up per se. I've just hit an uncharted stage of limbo. I have no clue what to do next. I do often wish it could all be over but I have no plans to end things with my own hand. I've seen the results of that now. I pray I never get to that point.
One other reader had messaged me a while back with a quote from Winston Churchill that was pretty powerful and I've always remembered it:
"If you're going through hell, keep going."
I hope that gives you some food for thought. I can't thank you enough for your input. It's really invaluable. Thank you for all your wise words and support. Please keep in touch. You are not alone either. I hope to some day enter a positive entry to this blog. The search continues. Thanks again.
Hi, just leaving a short message to say hello and ask how are you doing ???
ReplyDeleteOn balance my year has had more downs than ups along the way but I think it's the right road.
My thoughts and support are with you :-)
Spanner.
Hi Spanner,
ReplyDeleteI'm hanging in and exploring options. I seem to make it through each day somehow so I suppose I'm grateful...as grateful as I can be. Thank you for checking in. I hope you find what you're looking for soon.