It's been a terribly long time since I posted last. I think of this blog often and wonder how I can keep it going when there's nothing to report, nothing to share.
There are no more doctors or therapies. No more clinical trials or experiments. I've really abandoned any hope that there is any way to correct this. I do take one antidepressant that helps to numb the pain.
I believe this is just who and what I am. It's the fiber I'm made of.
Some people are naturally content with life. Others can never find a shred of piece of mind. I am the latter and it's my destiny. My only choice now is one of acceptance. Maybe I can conserve energy by giving up the fight. Maybe that will make each day less exhausting. It doesn't even seem like a choice anymore. It's the only option.
I haven't posted here in a long while. There's nothing much to talk about. I've hit a plateau (albeit, one that is slightly inclined downward) that seems endless.
Months and months ago I saw my psychiatrist for the last time. She was admittedly stumped and wanted to refer me to some big shot expert in a nearby city. I was willing to at least entertain a consultation. She told me she was going through someone else to contact him as he may be retired or had an assistant that would consult on tough cases or some such thing. Long story short, I never heard back from her. I sent her an email enquiring about the silence but there was no response. I suppose I should have followed up more aggressively with her but I was disgusted and exasperated with the whole process so I basically gave up.
I'm currently not seeing any doctors. They simply don't help. I'm continuing with the Lexapro because it causes the right level of numbness to get me by but it by no means lifts the depression.
I'm also dealing with new health issues that remind me I'm not getting any younger.
There's not much more to say. I simply continue on.
At this stage I'm experiencing a greater problem: that of near complete apathy. I can't feel anything but numbness and sadness 24/7. I care less and less about everything. I'm outside looking in. It's so disturbing.
The Lithium was a big disappointment. I was prescribed the highest dose that didn't cross the toxicity threshold. It did no good, in fact, it caused a noticeable increase in fatigue which was something I had no shortage of to begin with. The decision to discontinue was a let down because I liked the idea of taking something that was a naturally occurring element in the body and initially didn't have any adverse side effects or withdrawals. Even though it required regular blood draws for monitoring, I could deal with it.
Next I was given something called Fetzima. Never heard of it. Didn't really matter. She gave me another brown paper bag with a month's worth of samples as she commented that I would be her guinea pig with this one because she'd never given it to anyone before. After a month, it did nothing. No effect whatsoever. In fact it affected my urinary system with prostate-like problem symptoms. Those symptoms stopped immediately when it was discontinued. The doctor was perplexed but seeing as she's given it to very few patients she didn't have a whole lot of experience to comment on it. She brought up ECT again as an option but I just shook my head. I simply can't deal with taking that on. I fear irreversible damage. At least with a pill, I can stop.
Next up, Aplenzin. It sounded so familiar to me but I couldn't remember if I'd tried it or not. I told her it's possible I already took it. She said regardless, she'd like me to take it WITH the Lexapro that's been a constant for quite a while. After checking my list, sure enough, it was there. Seems new ideas are in short supply. I'll jump through this hoop and see what happens. This is what it's been, this is what it might always be.