TNS (post #3)

Nearing the halfway mark now. As with the TMS treatment I tried earlier this year, it's been snagged by "technical difficulties."

I sleep with the device which sends an on and off alternating current through wire leads to electrodes adhered to my forehead. The sensation varies from a pleasant tingling to an unpleasant stinging depending on how much voltage is sent and where the electrodes are placed. I've found that as much as a centimeter's difference with placement can mean 'ting' or 'sting.'

Early into the third week, I awoke in the wee morning hours to find there was no current flowing to the electrodes. The device was powered up but no sensation at all. I fiddled with the wires, the voltage setting, switched the lead plug to a second port but nothing. Further fiddling of the wires seemed to fix the problem but only for a few moments....then nothing again. It was an obvious short circuit in the wires. I slept most of the night with a brick. It worked fine when I turned it on. This went on for another four nights resulting in restless sleep and frustration knowing that I wasn't getting a full night's "treatment." I had a follow up evaluation scheduled in a couple days so I just dealt with it. I did e-mail the facilitator to inform him of the problem.

It then occurred to me that I was given a spare set of leads that I completely forgot about. They worked fine. I only wished I'd have remembered I had them the whole time.

During the third meeting with the facilitator there were many questions and forms to document my progress, or lack thereof. I brought the defective leads back and he provided another set just in case. I asked if I would be able to make up the lost time due to the glitches but he said no. It is what it is and it's all documented so there's no do-overs.

Another week went by and the device worked fine until the same scenario repeated itself. Awoke to no electrical current. Now this set has a short somewhere. I was angry and exhausted. I switched to the third set of wires and they worked fine for the time being. Another night of treatment lost. I wonder how many sets of wires I will have to go through and if I'm the only one of the subjects in the group that's having this ridiculous problem.

Though it's still early in the process, I am not benefitting in the least as of yet. Losing time to defective wires just adds to the irritability. There's about five more weeks left and I'm already feeling pangs of this treatment's eventual failure. My mind wanders wondering what the hell I'm going to do next. I realize it's too early and my negative attitude will probably cause it to fail but I have little control of my thoughts and emotions so this is where I am thus far.

The Inner Critic

A typical, daily conversation I have with myself.

Me: I'm grateful for my physical health.
Inner Critic: What good is physical health if you can't enjoy it mentally? Eventually all humans decline and decay. You're no exception. Being grateful for it doesn't change the inevitable. 

Me: I'm grateful to have a steady job.
Inner Critic: Oh really? That dead end job? The one that bores you to tears and literally causes you to doze at your desk frequently? The job that's made you into a soulless robot? You know you feel completely trapped. You can't quit and attempt a career makeover. Not at your age. You have no clue what you'd want to do anyway. So you settle and stay put because there's no other options. You're not grateful for the job. You're dependent on the paycheck.

Me: At least my children are healthy.
Inner Critic: So what? You know deep in your heart you never really wanted to bring kids into this wicked, evil world. They'll experience good times yes, but pain and suffering always have more of a lasting impact. You've already seen the effects of life on their faces, in their eyes. Just like you, their physical and mental health will slowly be sucked away and there's nothing you can do about it. Kids break parents' hearts. That's their job.

Me: Well, I have a pretty decent house in a nice neighborhood.
Inner Critic: That house literally breaks your back with all the yard work, maintenance and repair. It's a huge money pit. You know you long to live in an apartment or condo that's lawn-free. The work is never ending. And don't forget that so-called nice neighborhood allowed your house to be burglarized a few years back. That will stay with you and your family forever. Give me a break.

Me: I'm blessed with friends and family.
Inner Critic: Family irritates you to the core and you barely have any friends and you know it.

Me: That was a fairly decent workout at the gym today.
Inner Critic: You should have exerted yourself more. You should have spent more time there. You'll never see results with that prissy routine. You never workout as much and as hard as you should.

Me: Someday I'll beat depression. Some day I'll find a solution.
Inner Critic: You've been saying that for decades. Where has it gotten you? Odds are you'll go to your grave a bitter, lonely sad old man. Face the reality.

Me: Do you ever shut up?
Inner Critic: What's that popular acronym? Oh yes.... LOL.