TNS (post #6)

It was time for another follow up appointment. It's been a total of 5 months undergoing this experimental treatment. I have 3 to go if I wish. For the previous month's appointment I had decided I'd had enough. It wasn't working and I was tiring of the inconvenience it was to sleep with this thing. Fast forward to this appointment and the scenario repeated itself. I went with the intention of turning in all the equipment and saying goodbye.

The facilitator immediately knew upon seeing that I had packed everything up that I was going to opt out. He wasted no time asking me if that was the case and I replied yes. We proceeded through the protocol of the appointment and then he laid out the big picture. Again, with his wise words and what seemed a genuine concern for me, I reconsidered just like last month...sort of. This time I was given the option to keep the device if I chose to continue. If I chose not to then arrangements would be made for me to FedEx the device back to them to save me the drive.

I spoke to my wife about it, asking her what she would do in this situation. She said she would continue to the end and didn't understand why I was so eager to quit. It wasn't easy explaining that one.

So I begrudgingly decided to continue for at least another month. I've lost faith that this will ever work but I have nothing to lose and I'll never know if it would have worked if I quit now. By the end of the month, the futility of the treatment will have gotten stronger. Then the facilitator will make me aware of all the options I have, or lack thereof, and my perception will change. It's become an annoying cycle.

Pills, Pills, Pills

The doctors overseeing the clinical trial I'm involved in gave me the green light to change meds if I want. I shared that news with my psych doctor...reluctantly I may add. This meant there would be further tinkering and experimenting with new pills or combinations thereof which in turn means side effects. Side effects can range from a small annoyance to not being able to function at all.

Without boring the reader with drug names and dosages, she basically increased the dose of a med I'm already taking and then added yet another. The new one is supposed to increase my energy in the daytime. It acts like a stimulant but it's not a stimulant.

I am now taking FOUR drugs along with the TNS treatment. I also take a fish oil supplement because it's supposed to be good for the brain.

All simultaneously.

This is the most amount of treatments I've attempted at once yet I still slowly spiral downward.

In the past when a doctor would prescribe something new, I would ask questions and express my concern about side effects or withdrawal symptoms. I'd ask if it's ok to take with other meds or with alcohol, etc. This time I just silently took the script. If it would cause me to spontaneously explode, turn me to stone, or cause a massive seizure, I simply didn't care. If it works, great. If not, add it to the failure list.
I've become so jaded.