Limbo
"Hello darkness my old friend."
Not a fan of the song but it's a lyric I wish I had written. It hits home and sums things up neatly and concisely. This place I find myself has never been more uncertain. There is nowhere to turn. Nothing has helped. Nothing works. I have no idea what to do and no more energy to search any further. Complete limbo. It sounds extreme but it's as if all options have been exhausted. Sleep apnea is pummeling me. Sadness and hopelessness rule the day. I wear my poker face as best I can, fooling no one. I have no choice but to plow through for the sake of my family. I don't know how I do it from moment to moment. Numbness may be the key.
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Are you still going without any meds? How long did it take to step down and how were the side-effects? I'm sure it will take more than a few months for your brain, simply as a [very complex] organ, to recalibrate (after reading your 2005-current pill list).
ReplyDeleteIs exercise a regular part of your life? I saw it listed as something you've "tried" but when I search your 2.5-year blog for "exercise" I only saw it come up that once in proper context.
I have someone very close to me who has a wife and kids, has just been put on the California Rocket Fuel combo you mentioned prior, and is having violent outbursts which are supposed to be curbed with klonopin, and frequent suicidal thought and threats. It all seems a mess and I'd love to see the person come off everything, nothing has helped them and they didn't even have depression to begin with.
I hope and pray you can find relief someday soon. I also read that you've given up on prayer, and while some anonymous post on your blog probably won't have much weight, I found CS Lewis' Mere Christianity (http://www.truthaccordingtoscripture.com/documents/apologetics/mere-christianity/Book1/cs-lewis-mere-christianity-book1.php) to be fairly helpful in defining/refining my own faith, but I was also raised within the church, so I'm sure it is different for everybody.
Anyway, I look forward to your answers if you are willing to give them. Thanks for sharing your story as a resource for others.
B
I have successfully ended all medication. It took about two months to reduces dosages and wean myself off. I don't really feel much different without them which validates my contention that they simply never worked for me. I exercise daily on my lunch break at a nearby gym. I'm convinced it's kept me afloat. As much as I hate exercise I'll force myself to go at any cost for as long as I can. Regarding your christian link, I appreciate the thought but I am not christian and have no interest in anything christian whatsoever. I gave up on prayer a while back and though I don't officially set aside time to communicate with God, I will sometimes cry out to Him in desperation knowing how futile it is. I really do appreciate your interaction. You might be the only person who reads this blog so it means a lot. I hope your friend finds the help he needs to deal with his situation. My heart goes out to him and you. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteWhen in the midst of darkness, why do we naturally assume that we are all alone? He's/She's not the only one to read this blog, but he/she is one of the few to leave a comment. I came across your blog through several other blogs in an attempt to find someone who might just "get it". It's amazing how deluded so many are in the mental health field including us patients. I'm sorry that your sadness has brought me some comfort. Try to remind yourself that your words are reaching more than just those who comment.
DeleteRob
Hello Rob,
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by your comment. Could you elaborate on your statement regarding my sadness bringing you comfort? Could you shed some light on your situation? Thank you.
My comfort comes from relating to your words. On occasion, when I'm seriously depressed (as I am now), I try to find blogs that I can relate to. It's amazing how many people don't get it or have ulterior motives. When I say "they don't get it", I mean they think their depression is the same as mine or yours. The truth is depression is a demon which manifests itself differently in each of us. It does so because each of us has different life experiences. In my case, I have lived most of my life (52) with depression. At the age of 46, I had my first major manic episode and was appropriating diagnosed as bipolar. In the last six years, I have had long periods of relative calm thanks to my cycling from mild to moderate depression into mild mania. The last month has been exceptionally bad for me, but I fully understand why. That said, the demon (my mind) is trying to convince me at the moment that my life has not been and will not be worth living. Knowing that should make it easier, but it doesn't. Thanks for listening.
ReplyDeleteI hear you Rob. I really do. I'm not really sure why I started this blog. Possibly as just an outlet or some kind of self therapy. If it helps someone else that's pure icing on the cake. Writing a depression blog is inherently difficult because the English language is not equipped with enough words to express what I go through. No two depressives have the same experience but based on the short info you've provided about yourself I sense we have much in common. I am listening. I do hear you. I do relate. Thank you for contributing and sharing.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why your blog has touched me so. I think it's because you have dealt with so much more than me and you're still here. Under "Blessings and Curses", you wrote "When I ponder these thoughts I often feel that I have absolutely no right to be this sad person I've become." Even though I know it's all relative, I think I've spent a lot of time whining in the last six years compared to your struggle.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I don't have a spouse to deal with. Second, I don't have children which I realize can be both a blessing and a curse during the worst phases of this illness. Third, I don't have to work and have the added stresses of bringing home the bacon. If I'm to take what you've written as gospel, you deserve so much more than you're getting in SO many ways! I don't believe in God, but "God bless you" for having the strength to keep going for those you love.
While the English language may be woefully inadequate to describe your experience, you have a way with the words that are available to bring an understanding that I rarely see and to bring life to an experience that many of us live with and are at a complete loss to describe. I have long thought about starting my own blog to share my perspective and to hopefully help someone else. I think you've given me the strength to finally take that step.
Ironic that you view my situation as you do. I feel like the world's biggest, ungrateful whiner.
ReplyDeleteWe know a couple, the husband was a firefighter. Around our age. Strong, healthy, extremely social and popular. A few months ago out of nowhere he was stricken with a brain bleed. Now he can barely speak, walk, or take care of himself. He's a shell of what he was. He's facing years of physical rehab. I'm sick about it and angry as hell that things like this happen to good people every day. There's no greater injustice. I would not survive an event like that. He fights every day. He has a will to live that I've never experienced. I suppose it's all relative, each of our own personal hells.
I have to tell you that your reaction to my blog has caught me off guard. Your last message brought a lump to my throat. It never entered my mind that it would help anyone. It was just meant as an outlet that I doubted anyone would ever see because there are tens of millions of blogs out there. Like I said, it's icing on the cake. If you do start a blog, be sure to send me the link. I look forward to it.