The Big Picture

At this writing I'm three weeks into this Saphris crap which has been doing a number on me with its side effects. My mornings have become exhaustive and breathless from sleep deprivation because of this new disorder I've been blessed with. I literally cannot keep my eyes opened after waking. I'm disoriented, dizzy, light-headed, heavy-headed, irritable, exasperated, taxed, spent, you name it. My relationship with my family is strained and stressed. I'm distant from my wife. My wife is distant from me. I don't know why things continue to pile on. What's next?

As with all these damned drugs there's an ironic marked worsening of my depression. Another drug that broke its promise.

Amidst the fog I'm in at the moment, I'm trying to view this god forsaken drug option from the bigger picture:
• Overall, they've done more harm than good.
• The accumulative cost is ridiculous.
• Hopes go up with each new one only to be dashed each and every time.
• A broken jaw is a testament to prevalent side effects verses benefits.
• The idea of depending on a pill to get through life is patently wrong.
• Unknown, long-term physical damage could be realized in years to come.
• Most lab rats die before their time.
• Depression has never lifted.

That's the short list of cons. There's not one pro. I live day to day hanging on a thin thread of hope that maybe this tiny pill ... THIS ONE ... will save my life. It's too pathetic.

I toy with the idea of living drug free sans even aspirin. Is it even possible after all these years? Would my system accept such a concept or would I collapse in a heap of withdrawal?

Somewhere exists a chemical free answer. I long for something natural, age-old, logical, gentle, soothing, warming, welcoming. Something real, somewhere.