It was time for another follow up appointment. It's been a total of 5 months undergoing this experimental treatment. I have 3 to go if I wish. For the previous month's appointment I had decided I'd had enough. It wasn't working and I was tiring of the inconvenience it was to sleep with this thing. Fast forward to this appointment and the scenario repeated itself. I went with the intention of turning in all the equipment and saying goodbye.
The facilitator immediately knew upon seeing that I had packed everything up that I was going to opt out. He wasted no time asking me if that was the case and I replied yes. We proceeded through the protocol of the appointment and then he laid out the big picture. Again, with his wise words and what seemed a genuine concern for me, I reconsidered just like last month...sort of. This time I was given the option to keep the device if I chose to continue. If I chose not to then arrangements would be made for me to FedEx the device back to them to save me the drive.
I spoke to my wife about it, asking her what she would do in this situation. She said she would continue to the end and didn't understand why I was so eager to quit. It wasn't easy explaining that one.
So I begrudgingly decided to continue for at least another month. I've lost faith that this will ever work but I have nothing to lose and I'll never know if it would have worked if I quit now. By the end of the month, the futility of the treatment will have gotten stronger. Then the facilitator will make me aware of all the options I have, or lack thereof, and my perception will change. It's become an annoying cycle.
The doctors overseeing the clinical trial I'm involved in gave me the green light to change meds if I want. I shared that news with my psych doctor...reluctantly I may add. This meant there would be further tinkering and experimenting with new pills or combinations thereof which in turn means side effects. Side effects can range from a small annoyance to not being able to function at all.
Without boring the reader with drug names and dosages, she basically increased the dose of a med I'm already taking and then added yet another. The new one is supposed to increase my energy in the daytime. It acts like a stimulant but it's not a stimulant.
I am now taking FOUR drugs along with the TNS treatment. I also take a fish oil supplement because it's supposed to be good for the brain.
This is the most amount of treatments I've attempted at once yet I still slowly spiral downward.
In the past when a doctor would prescribe something new, I would ask questions and express my concern about side effects or withdrawal symptoms. I'd ask if it's ok to take with other meds or with alcohol, etc. This time I just silently took the script. If it would cause me to spontaneously explode, turn me to stone, or cause a massive seizure, I simply didn't care. If it works, great. If not, add it to the failure list.
I've become so jaded.