Carrying On

Haven't posted in a while. Not much energy and not much to report.
It's been very dark and very sad. Heavy. Wish there was more to say.


  1. Hi 4,
    Found your blog through Artsy Fartsy. A question. Is there a use for all the guilt you're carrying round? It's hampering any chance you have of leading a proper life. Put it somewhere safe and deal with it when you have the time and a clear head. In the mean time if you want to think about something, tell me five things you wife like and five things your kids like!
    Best wishes and regards, Spanner.

  2. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can't speak for others, but we didn't all leave. I'm here, reading your blog whenever you post something (I'm notified via RSS).
    I hope you feel better and find the support you need to get through this tough time.

  3. Spanner,
    I quite literally never have a clear head. I don't know what you mean when you say "put your guilt somewhere safe." There is little to no mental energy left for cognitive therapy. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just the news. It is what it is. I appreciate your effort to reach out. I truly do.

  4. Liz,
    Thank you for your comment. I had maybe 12 to 15 followers but they don't appear on the page anymore. Why would that be? I hope they still have access somehow. Please keep in touch.

  5. Hi 4, carrying guilt from the past ( and I bet alot of it isn't really justified. Just your take on a moment in time that others see completely differently)is abit like walking around with a suitcase of books, it's heavy, awkward and you have to drag it about everywhere. So leave your guilt behind for the moment and do something in the here and now. Not connected to the past or the future just something. Check the oil and water in the car pump up the tyres. Anything to start breaking the habit.
    You have 19 followers, they're showing on my screen, so they're there mate.
    And where's the answers to my questions :-)

    Onwards and upwards, best wishes Spanner.

  6. Spanner,
    You're correct about the missing followers. I used a different browser and there they were. I suspected it was a tech glitch.

    My friend, you're focusing on guilt but guilt is only a small part of my condition, not an overriding factor. The inability to feel joy no matter the situation is what shackles me. I can do and have done tasks similar to what you're suggesting to occupy my mind only to find them utterly futile. The chronic sadness cloaks my brain. I've never been able to shed it. It doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing or who I'm with.

    Regarding your questions, my wife and kids love chocolate, movies, puppies, music and Johnny Depp. I don't grasp the point of your questions. I apologize.

  7. Morning 4,
    I focused on guilt as you mentioned it in your August post. It's also something I've recently noticed about myself, wandering around life with this guilt that served no purpose but to slow me down.
    You also mentioned the fear of losing your wife and kids. Hence the question about what they liked. One of my happiest memories when I was a kid was my dad buying me a model aeroplane kit. It wasn't my Birthday or Christmas he saw it and thought I'd like it. My girlfriend gets me the odd surprise too. My ex wife never did.
    So maybe an unexpected treat from you. Nice chocs maybe (delivered by Johnny Depp lol)would be fun for them and a little boost for you.
    My advice/help (for want of better words) comes from someone who is fighting the blues too. So it's purely amateur but saying that meant with compassion and the hope you can pull out of this dive (I think you can).
    Onwards and upwards, Spanner.

  8. Spanner,
    Your post caused a lump in my throat as I read. Thank you for your encouragement.

  9. Morning 4, it's usually my cooking that causes throat problems amongst my friends :-)
    You're blogging and baring your soul looking for answers. So you're fighting back 4. Give yourself the credit you deserve and use that as a building block for the next steps you're going to be taking.
    Onwards and upwards, Spanner.

  10. Morning 4, I check your blog each day (as I do several others) I hope you're ok and thought I'd add yet another comment :-) Just remember you're part of a jigsaw. We're all a giant self supporting group. Each step one of us makes we all benefit from and just in case we slip or fall there's the group waiting to catch us and give you the kick up the arse to push on. Have a good day and post soon.

    Onwards and upwards, regards Spanner.

  11. Spanner,
    Thanks for the follow-ups. Had a bad morning. Very tearful. No apparent reason. It's good to read words of encouragement. I'm also glad to know at least one person in the world actually checks my blog daily.

    My best to you.

  12. Evening 4, Tears ? you're depressed you plank it's part of the deal. If it was flu you'd have a wet nose :-)
    And don't start feeling sorry for yourself with the nobody loves me or reads my blogg. Most peoples watch lists only flag a blog when somethings been written. Things only started to change for me when I started to discover abit of self worth. Wasn't easy and each day throws up something new (not always good). I'm reminded of something a friend of mine used to say all the time. "How can I soar like an Eagle when I'm surrounded by Turkeys." don't ask me why I've no idea. Fate I think! follow this link.
    I learned something I didn't know because I follow your blog. So you have qualities not even you realized. Game on 4. Now start blogging :-)