Choices
A miserable day today.
A miserable day because I chose it to be that way.
I chose to be complacent.
I chose to be lethargic.
I chose to be distant.
I chose to be sad.
I chose to be alone.
I don't understand why I choose these things.
Maybe deep down it's a familiar comfort level.
How can one be comfortable on a bed of nails?
I'm my own worst enemy.
Nobody's fault but mine.
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What sucks about depression is that unlike other illnesses it makes you feel you're to blame. No one would choose to be miserable, like no one would choose the have cancer. I've been reading your blog for some months now and I can see that you do not want to be depressed, trying everything you can to recover. I pray that you will find the treatment that works for you.
ReplyDeleteSending you love from Jerusalem.
Wow, a comment from Israel. The Internet is amazing. I never thought my little, miserable life would be known to someone across the globe. You're correct in saying I do not want to be depressed or known as "that sad guy." But as decades pass and nothing changes, I can't help but to think that depression is a huge part of the fabric I'm made of. It's not separate. It's me.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your long distance comment and good wishes. I hope G-d answers your prayers on my behalf because He has chosen not to answer mine.
Yom Tov
4-Lorn I wish I knew where the switch was that would give you some relief. I often question if just simply believing it will get better can actually make it better. I'm not trying to imply that it can erase depression, but simply the power of suggestion can perhaps lighten the load. Often, just finding a way to believe can be just as hard as understanding. Sending my best thoughts your way.
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