Exhausted

I wish I had something worthy to post. The reality is, I've landed on a plateau of complete nothingness. The medication I'm taking only props me up and numbs me into indifference. There's no progress — which translates into continued wear and tear. My soul is exhausted.

Overqualified

I just attempted getting involved in a depression clinical trial in my area using some new medication. After waiting a couple of days to hear back from them after a brief phone interview, I was told that since my depression has lasted so long and all the many medications I've tried have failed, that I don't qualify. Go figure.

The Misery Molecule

At this writing I'm continuing my pill-by-day, pill-by-night existence to get me through. Everything's the same. Nothing's changed. Not much to report.

I just read an article about scientists who've discovered something referred to as the "misery molecule" which is a protein in the brain – specifically in the pituitary gland – that possibly triggers cells to release hormones responsible for anxiety, stress and depression. Maybe they'll develop a drug to treat it but it's years away if anything comes of it.

There are many treatments on the horizon that haven't been given the green light by the FDA so it's a waiting game. Even if these new treatments do get approved, it's years of working out the kinks with people as guinea pigs before any benefits can be realized. It all seems so distant. I just patiently wait with hopes that relief will come before I'm too elderly for it to matter anymore. There is no proper word for the mental fatigue I'm experiencing.

Turning to Him

The new therapist I'm seeing has encouraged me to seek a spiritual path. Something I've resisted doing for quite some time for various reasons. She gave me contact information for a local rabbi. I've contacted him and met with him several times. He's very supportive, very kind, very understanding. I'm trying to attend weekly services. I'm praying daily. I'm trying to do good for others.

I've always had little faith in faith itself as well as religion, prayer, God, etc. I bristle when I hear of people who claim God saved them or God performed a miracle in their life. It's never been something that I've been able to "buy" into. So far it's been a very difficult process. I'm riddled with so much immense self doubt and guilt that I often feel I'm not doing things correctly which is just a silly stumbling block. I dwell on what I'm NOT doing instead of what I AM doing.

So far I've experienced mostly self inflicted discouragement. No miraculous answered prayers. No positive changes. No improvement in the least. It's so emotional. I'm supposed to pray to God with joy in my heart but there is none. I don't even feel worthy to address Him. The rabbi tells me it's a process and I need to focus on the positive. It's so unnatural for me though. I'm discouraged quickly and easily but I'm continuing to stick with it.

So here I am turning to God.
What a tired cliché. I don't know what else to do.

Update

There's many reasons why the frequency of posts has decreased as of late. Mainly, there's nothing new to report not to mention barely anyone reads this blog so it probably doesn't matter anyway.

A couple of updates though: The Menalogue meetings have resumed in honor of our departed friend. For now they are monthly which seems to be working fine for everyone. We average about 6-8 people which is very good. I can't say that I particularly look forward to them as they are not the same without our original leader, but his spirit is ever present and his vision to bring people together lives on. Somehow the onus has fallen on me to organize things. I now find myself with a key to a classroom at the church we meet in. I send emails out to the group and try to make sure the blog and website are up to date. It's not a big deal and it's not a lot of trouble but mentally, I really don't want to be responsible for this, however, I know my friend would be pleased.

For lack of any other ideas, I sought out a therapist just to have an outlet to talk to. She's not a psychiatrist so no drugs, no pills, no meds. Just talk. I found her on my health insurance website. I chose her because her office is walking distance from my home which is crazy convenient.

I've had several appointments so far. They've been positive and informative. She thinks I should pursue a more spiritual path. She says I need to get out of my head and do for others. She's suggesting prayer, meditation, journaling, books, etc. I need to be more aware of my physical senses and appreciate them. I have to somehow deprogram this negative brain of mine. It's all daunting and mentally exhausting. Though I've resumed praying and trying to meditate, nothing positive can seem to penetrate this hardened, jaded shell. I must have patience.