So tired

As I fast approach my 50th year on this planet I have now reached a level; a phase; a plane; a mindset that would be best described as being tired. A better term might be 'defeated.' To some reading this who are much younger than 50 this might not register clearly. We all get tired. We all spend too much time with something unpleasant then feel the need to move on. If one is fortunate enough to have the energy to move on then this does not present a problem.

The latter part of my childhood and all of my adulthood has been draped in a heavy, wet towel of sadness. I truly don't know why. Not a day goes by that I don't devote a thought to it.

A pity party that goes on and on and on.

Most of the therapists I've visited with have delivered the same message. YOU have to work to get out of this. But the reality is—I'm too tired. A certain amount of mental energy must be exerted to do battle. In depression's arsenal, its most effective strategy is to wear down its subject. This can only be accomplished with large amounts of time.

Months.
Years.
Decades.

I do realize the answer is within. It can only come from myself. But this heaviness has taken its toll and I find it daunting to muster the energy to fight. Each day, I'm just that more tired.