At this stage I'm experiencing a greater problem: that of near complete apathy. I can't feel anything but numbness and sadness 24/7. I care less and less about everything. I'm outside looking in. It's so disturbing.

The Lithium was a big disappointment. I was prescribed the highest dose that didn't cross the toxicity threshold. It did no good, in fact, it caused a noticeable increase in fatigue which was something I had no shortage of to begin with. The decision to discontinue was a let down because I liked the idea of taking something that was a naturally occurring element in the body and initially didn't have any adverse side effects or withdrawals. Even though it required regular blood draws for monitoring, I could deal with it.

Next I was given something called Fetzima. Never heard of it. Didn't really matter. She gave me another brown paper bag with a month's worth of samples as she commented that I would be her guinea pig with this one because she'd never given it to anyone before. After a month, it did nothing. No effect whatsoever. In fact it affected my urinary system with prostate-like problem symptoms. Those symptoms stopped immediately when it was discontinued. The doctor was perplexed but seeing as she's given it to very few patients she didn't have a whole lot of experience to comment on it. She brought up ECT again as an option but I just shook my head. I simply can't deal with taking that on. I fear irreversible damage. At least with a pill, I can stop.

Next up, Aplenzin. It sounded so familiar to me but I couldn't remember if I'd tried it or not. I told her it's possible I already took it. She said regardless, she'd like me to take it WITH the Lexapro that's been a constant for quite a while. After checking my list, sure enough, it was there. Seems new ideas are in short supply. I'll jump through this hoop and see what happens. This is what it's been, this is what it might always be.