The new therapist I'm seeing has encouraged me to seek a spiritual path. Something I've resisted doing for quite some time for various reasons. She gave me contact information for a local rabbi. I've contacted him and met with him several times. He's very supportive, very kind, very understanding. I'm trying to attend weekly services. I'm praying daily. I'm trying to do good for others.
I've always had little faith in faith itself as well as religion, prayer, God, etc. I bristle when I hear of people who claim God saved them or God performed a miracle in their life. It's never been something that I've been able to "buy" into. So far it's been a very difficult process. I'm riddled with so much immense self doubt and guilt that I often feel I'm not doing things correctly which is just a silly stumbling block. I dwell on what I'm NOT doing instead of what I AM doing.
So far I've experienced mostly self inflicted discouragement. No miraculous answered prayers. No positive changes. No improvement in the least. It's so emotional. I'm supposed to pray to God with joy in my heart but there is none. I don't even feel worthy to address Him. The rabbi tells me it's a process and I need to focus on the positive. It's so unnatural for me though. I'm discouraged quickly and easily but I'm continuing to stick with it.
So here I am turning to God.
What a tired cliché. I don't know what else to do.