Update

There's many reasons why the frequency of posts has decreased as of late. Mainly, there's nothing new to report not to mention barely anyone reads this blog so it probably doesn't matter anyway.

A couple of updates though: The Menalogue meetings have resumed in honor of our departed friend. For now they are monthly which seems to be working fine for everyone. We average about 6-8 people which is very good. I can't say that I particularly look forward to them as they are not the same without our original leader, but his spirit is ever present and his vision to bring people together lives on. Somehow the onus has fallen on me to organize things. I now find myself with a key to a classroom at the church we meet in. I send emails out to the group and try to make sure the blog and website are up to date. It's not a big deal and it's not a lot of trouble but mentally, I really don't want to be responsible for this, however, I know my friend would be pleased.

For lack of any other ideas, I sought out a therapist just to have an outlet to talk to. She's not a psychiatrist so no drugs, no pills, no meds. Just talk. I found her on my health insurance website. I chose her because her office is walking distance from my home which is crazy convenient.

I've had several appointments so far. They've been positive and informative. She thinks I should pursue a more spiritual path. She says I need to get out of my head and do for others. She's suggesting prayer, meditation, journaling, books, etc. I need to be more aware of my physical senses and appreciate them. I have to somehow deprogram this negative brain of mine. It's all daunting and mentally exhausting. Though I've resumed praying and trying to meditate, nothing positive can seem to penetrate this hardened, jaded shell. I must have patience.

Painted Into A Corner

My work ethic has been declining for some time. I have many projects with many deadlines that I could not care less about. I've never missed a deadline before and most likely won't even now, but as I procrastinate each hour, each day, I could come dangerously close to upsetting a lot of folks. There is no motivation, no drive, no urgency anymore. As I type this I should actually be addressing many projects but I cannot bring myself to even think about them let alone immerse myself into them. What I do for a living really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme. Yes, it's essential to have a career to keep a home, family and responsibilities propped up and I'm completely aware of the importance which is why I slave to the daily rituals. At the same time, I've died inside and really don't know how much longer I can play this role. There's no one to blame but myself. I painted myself into this corner with apathy, lack of initiative, self pity and a buffet table of synonyms — just pick one. I cannot lose this job. It would be the final nail in the coffin especially in this economy and at my age. I'm lucky I have what I have but I fear I'll piss it all away.

More Anxiety

Ever since the loss of my friend I've been enduring escalating anxiety. Daily I awake to a swirling adrenaline whirlpool in my chest accompanied by shortness of breath and an overactive heartbeat. Much of the day is spent trying to take a deep, satisfying yet elusive breath. Maybe it's related to my friend's death but I can't be sure. Anxiety surfaces at the most unlikely times. Even though I've sworn off pills, I've resumed taking anti-anxiety meds to calm me and help with my sleepless nights. I cannot believe the futile battle sleep has become.

My marriage seems to continue to unravel ever so slowly. At times we're miles apart as if we both know it's over but can't admit it to each other. When she's angry or frustrated with me it sends my anxiety through the roof. I mentioned this to her but she replied that she cannot assume responsibility for any anxiety she may cause me. I have to own it. I try to quietly manage it so as not to burden the family with my petty weaknesses but it can be so unbearable and paralyzing.

Life keeps piling on more and more complications. I don't know where the breaking point will be or even what that means. Something's going to give some day but how that plays out is completely unknown. I'm so ill-equipped to cope with this and I deeply dread the future. I keep telling myself there has to be an answer somewhere, someday but my head's so foggy I can barely initiate the search for relief. This anxiety is nothing short of crippling.

I went back to the UCLA clinical trials web page and filled out a questionnaire to possibly find something that may offer promise. The attached screenshot illustrates the result. I have no idea why it didn't work. I gave up after that.